The Greatest Match You'll Never See
by Attic Man
Summary: Scott Steiner has faced many opponents, but is he prepared for his greatest challenge yet? One-Shot.


The Greatest Match You'll Never See  
  
Chapter One: The Challenge  
  
JR: Hello, ladies and gentlemen and welcome to Monday Night Raw! Tonight should be an explosive night! And I remember I said "should be" not "will be".   
  
Lawler: You can say that again, JR!  
  
JR: Tonight, we will see not one, not two, but three tag team matches. In addition to that, we will see angles coming straight out of the crapper and into the ring featuring your least favorite superstars.  
  
Lawler: Sounds like another wonderful program for tonight. God bless you, Vince McMahon.  
  
JR: Wait one moment, I'm already being told that something stupid is brewing backstage.  
  
Lawler: Well let's waste no time and get this nonsense underway!  
  
(Backstage)  
  
Josh Matthews: Well, everybody, I am here with the world's most disgusting looking man, Scott Steiner.  
  
Steiner: America kicks ass!  
  
Matthews: Quite right, Steiner! But there is a more important matter for you to consider. We have just recently received word that a snapping turtle from the local zoo wants a match with you.   
  
Steiner: What?! Some frog is challenging me to a match?!  
  
Matthews: No, a turtle is.  
  
Steiner: Same thing.  
  
Matthews: No, they are quite different.  
  
Steiner: Whatever! All I know is that this turtle may be a lizard, but there can be only one lizard in this company and that's me, Freakzilla.  
  
Matthews: You aren't a lizard. You're a human.  
  
Steiner: Shut the hell up! When I want your opinion I'll ask you to holla if ya hear me. Now back to this damned iguana and his challenge. If he thinks he can take the man with the largest arms then I say bring your poisonous sting on.  
  
Matthews: So does this mean you accept the challenge despite the fact that snapping turtles don't sting and they aren't poisonous?  
  
Steiner: Maybe this will answer that question.  
  
(drops to the ground and starts doin' push-ups)  
  
Matthews: I can honestly say that those three push-ups indicate to me that you accept the challenge.  
  
Steiner: Hell yeah, but now I can't get up. Give me a hand, you jackass.  
  
Matthews: Okay............there you go. Now one question remains. Do you think that you can beat Snappy, the Grim Reaper Turtle?  
  
Steiner: I think the better question here is if Grim Reaper is the same as Death and a turtle is a turtle then does that mean Slappy is a dead turtle?  
  
Matthews: .............I've heard a lot of stupid things in my life and I can honestly say that what you just said is NOT one of them. Snappy will be feeling that insult tomorrow morning.  
  
Steiner: You know what else he will be feeling tomorrow morning? The twenty belly-to-belly suplexes I'm gonna give him.  
  
Matthews: Damn, those are fightin' words where I come from. It will be an awesome match. I can't wait to see it later tonight.  
  
Steiner: America kicks ass!  
  
Chapter Two: The Match  
  
JR: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for Scott Steiner to go one on one with Snappy. I can tell you for sure that this match will go down in the history books.  
  
Lawler: I would think so. You don't see many matches between a turtle and a human.  
  
JR: That's true, but that is not the reason why it will go down in the history books tonight.  
  
Lawler: Really? Why will this make history?  
  
JR: Because this will be the first time we ever commentate on the match currently taking place rather than the main event for the night.  
  
Lawler: Wow! Are you sure Mr. McMahon won't fire us for doing that?  
  
JR: I certainly hope not. Folks, this will be one hell of a slobber knocker!  
  
Lawler: You say that about every match.  
  
JR: I don't give a damn. I'll say what I want. Oh, wait! The sirens are wailing so I guess that means Steiner is about to come lumbering down the ramp.  
  
Lawler: I love Steiner's theme song! It gets stuck in your head for the next week.  
  
JR: Steiner has stopped on the ramp to take a breather. I think walking down the ramp really winded him.  
  
Lawler: It looks like they are gettin' a wheelchair out here to take him the rest of the way.  
  
JR: Okay, now that Steiner is finally in the ring we can get this match going.  
  
Lawler: Wait, when did Snappy get in the ring?  
  
JR: I'm told that he didn't feel like waiting for Steiner so as he was being loaded into the wheelchair Snappy went to the ring.   
  
Lawler: Well, there is the bell and this match is officially underway!  
  
JR: Steiner starts off by charging Snappy, but oh wait! He has just tripped and fallen flat on his face. It looks like that took a lot out of Steiner.  
  
Lawler: Yeah, he is just laying there like he is dead. It looks like Snappy is gonna capitalize here. He is eyeing up Steiner for his unholy bite.  
  
JR: There it is, the unholy bite! That got Steiner up, but now he is crying like a little girl. That's a damn shame.  
  
Lawler: Snappy is wasting no time, though, and he is going for a jumping head butt. Wow! What a shot! Steiner looks dazed.  
  
JR: It looks like Snappy is going to try and take advantage of the situation and hit the diving shell smash. Oh no! He missed after Steiner ducked.  
  
Lawler: He didn't duck he just collapsed, but now both competitors are on the mat.  
  
JR: Well, it appears after much struggling Steiner has gotten to his feet first. He is going over to Snappy, and it looks like....yes! It's going to be a belly-to-belly suplex!  
  
Lawler: Oh my! Steiner lifted Snappy up but it was too much for him and he fell over!  
  
JR: This looks bad for Steiner, now Snappy has the advantage. To add insult to injury, Snappy is goin' for a belly-to-belly suplex! Good Lord! He just hit a beautiful belly-to-belly on the concrete!.................................................On the canvas!  
  
Lawler: I think Steiner is out cold. He isn't moving at all. Snappy may have this all wrapped up.  
  
JR: You might be right because it looks like Snappy is lookin' for his finisher, The Rock Around The Clock Down the Block Shell Shock!  
  
Lawler: You mean a Straight Punch?  
  
JR: Yes, that's the one! He's lining him up, and........he connects! OH MY GOD! WHAT A SHOT! WHAT A MOVE! I CAN"T BELIEVE MY EYES! GAASHSGFG! BLARGHJH! JASUFHEN!  
  
Lawler: Uhhhh, JR is foamin' at the mouth again. Can we get someone out here to give him his medication?  
  
JR: Ahhhhh, that feels good. Sorry about that, I kind of got carried away.  
  
Lawler: Don't worry I'm used to it by now, but in the ring it's all over as Snappy has picked up the pinfall.  
  
JR: Scott Steiner has just lost to a turtle. It certainly sucks to be him right now.   
  
Lawler: It always sucks to be Scott Steiner.  
  
Chapter Three: The Aftermath  
  
(Backstage)  
  
Matthews: I'm here with Scott Steiner again to get his thoughts on his match with Snappy. So Steiner, what happened out there?  
  
Steiner: I don't know. I was wearin' my chain mail, and wearin' my cool guy sunglasses, but I just couldn't feel the flow. Maybe I didn't stroke my beard enough or maybe I didn't get enough support from my freaks and my peeps.   
  
Matthews: Stupid, yet interesting comments. Is this just the beginning in a long, bitter feud with Snappy?  
  
Steiner: Hell no. This feud is over. That guy is way too fast. I can't compete with someone like that.  
  
Matthews: Wow, you are giving up pretty quick.  
  
Steiner: Well listen here, you pansy. I didn't see you out there trying to fight that turtle. Not you or anyone could beat that devil incarnate turtle. He truly earned the name "Grim Reaper Turtle".  
  
Matthews: Wait, I have just received word that a diseased sloth has just killed The Grim Reaper turtle after Snappy challenged anyone in the arena to a match.  
  
Steiner:.....................................................................  
  
Matthews: I guess this doesn't make you look any better.  
  
Steiner: Shut the hell up.  
  
Matthews: So now after completely embarrassing yourself again, what's in store for you?  
  
Steiner: Well, I'm thinkin' that I'll continue to go out and make an ass of myself in the ring. Also I will continue to kiss my horribly deformed looking arm. I think from there I'll go into some piss poor angles.  
  
Matthews: That sounds like a plan to me. Good luck to you on that, and hopefully next time you won't suck ass. That's all for me so let's get back to the crap.  
  
Steiner: America kicks ass!  
  
THE END!!!!  
  
This story is actually based on a joke a friend of mine and I were talking about before. I apologize for the fact that you are probably now dumber having read this. Sorry, won't happen again. 


End file.
